maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
