He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
