I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
