god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
