her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
