I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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