If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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