I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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