I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You are a genius and a whore.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
