watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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