that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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