I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you had me at cake vodka
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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