just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
