were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
