It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
