i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
