I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
whose parrot is this?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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