In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she told me i tasted like america
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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