Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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