I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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