I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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