My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
