the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there was a trapeze. enough said
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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