I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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