That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
