so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
