i just had sex bonerless
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
