i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
