I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
zippers are such a cool invention
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
