Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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