Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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