I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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