i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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