your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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