i don't like sucking hair
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
