Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
