I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
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Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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