What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
two words...techno handjob
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
