The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
