We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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