How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
