I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
