We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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