your room smells of hookers.
And success
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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