I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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