can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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