My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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