Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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