im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
