When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
