I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Are we in a gay sports bar?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
