his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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