My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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