a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
