census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
