He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
