youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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