You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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