i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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