Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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